Thumour

I'd like to think of myself as one who appreciates a bit of good humour. Much like the wine sommelier with a large object lodged in his backside, I like a joke that swirls around for a while and gives you three levels of satisfaction. First is the nose, the immediate impression you get as the joke is being told. This of course requires a skilled teller, not one who flubs a line and says "Sorry, what I meant was...". Second is the pallate, the reaction just after the joke is told. Whether it's an uncontrollable, heartstopping bout of laughter, or a sympathetic, cough-like outburst, this is the muscle of the humour. The finish is what comes last, the lingering effect of the joke. Very often this is represented by it becoming an almost pop-culture sort of thing. Very good and very bad jokes get tied to a person and the punchline may be repeated often in each others presence, on most occasions, over a pint of beer.

Now that I've sounded enough like a smug asshole, I've decided to talk about the bottom of the barrel when it comes to this noble art. I could go on forever about good humour, but I'd rather you see it for yourself. Pick up a DVD of Blackadder or Monty Python's Flying Circus. If you don't nearly die when watching, then you need to re-examine your sense of humour.

The type of poor quality jokes I speak of were the sort pioneered by such greats of the comedic world as Richard Wang, my classmate in 5B at Saint Michael's School. Apart from having a surname that is a colloquial term for "penis", he was known for his absolute rubbish sense of what might be considered funny. A tumour in his humour. A sense of Thumour. Some call it being lame, others call it corny. The great Harmanjeev Johal once referred to it as flooding the land with maize.

Actual dialogue (Fabricated):
Richard: "Hey Kurt, do you know why the cookie went to see the doctor?"
Kurt: "I don't know Richard. God bless me, but I don't know. She missed her period? She had sexual relations with a random man last night without using protection?"
Richard: "No! Because it felt CRUMBY!"
Kurt: "You will die for this someday."

He did. Years later I came to know that dear Richard had met his untimely demise through being accidentally stabbed 417 times. There was a hint of foul play as witnesses reported that an assailant told one lousy joke for each stab wound inflicted. However, the police decided that it was best to leave it at that, and for all of us to get on with our lives. God rest you Richard, we miss you every day. And in your memory I present:

The Top Ten Maizeiest Jokes of All Time

10.



Q: What time do you normally go to the dentist?
A: Toothurty!

9.



Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names!

8.



Q: What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Aileen!

7.



Q: How do you find America?
A: You turn left at Greenland.

6.



Q: What do you get when someone from Cuba has a kid with someone from Iceland?
A: An IceCube!

5.



Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb in a tree and act like a nut.

4.



Q: Why did the fisherman visit the priest?
A: Because he felt like he'd lost his sole!

3.



Q: What did the baby fire engine say to it's mother on the phone?
A: It's me ma! me ma! me ma! me ma! me ma! me ma!

2.



Q: There were five cats on a roof, one jumped off, how many were left?
A: None, they were all copycats!

1.


Q: There were two brothers on a boat, Pete and Repete. Pete fell overboard, who was left?
A: Repeat.
Q: There were two brothers on a boat, Pete and Repete. Pete fell overboard, who was left?
A: Repeat.
Q: There were two brothers on a boat, Pete and Repete. Pete fell overboard, who was left?
A: Repeat.
Q: There were two brothers on a boat, Pete and Repete. Pete fell overboard, who was left?
A: Repeat.

... And so on till the cows come home, or you get stabbed like Richard.

_____

This might actually bring back some nice memories of the days when Singaporean sitcoms were actually funny to us. Such classics as Under One Roof, My Grandson the Doctor, Gurmit's World, Happy Belly and Phua Chu Kang. Not forgetting Masters of the Sea and VR Man, some of the greatest comedies ever written. I only wish I could watch those now and see just how bad they really were. Sometimes things can be so bad that they become good. But I have a feeling that there are also things so bad that watching them makes you reflect on why you are even living. These are the things you should tell your children about, and ensure that another generation suffers.

Kurt

Valentine

It is upon us once again. Time to feel your pockets catch fire from the friction caused by the fast removal of money from them. If you're attached, tonight might be your lucky night of Fourth Base (If you must, use a condom). If you're not attached it's your time to mope with other singles and try desperately to seem like you're happy and unaffected. If you're married, then well, you probably wouldn't even notice this day passing. In keeping with tradition, it is an absolute must that I write about this day then.

It's interesting to take note of how my approach to it has changed over the years. Early on, any thought of it would have been blatantly homosexual because I spent the first ten years of my education in an all boys schools. My interaction with females was generally limited to seeing NCC girls on the weekends, though it's safe to say that they were far too masculine. Dating any of them would have made someone more gay than if he were actually gay. Not that there's actually anything wrong with it.

At 16, in a mixed school for the first time, I was a juvenile filled with hope. I put several plans in place, wishing that I might just score. I had a perfect record of course. Three roses handed out, three middle-fingers and Hell-No's received.

At 18, after a couple of years of having my face rubbed in shit, I turned into the ultimate cynic. Wishing death and an eternity in Hell to anyone in love, I willed with all my might that an Act of God would devestate the city area and wipe out a generation of morons who bought into all that nonsense.

Today at 22, I'd like to think I've mellowed with age. I no longer look to it as a day of opportunity, but I also don't look upon it with anger. I would say that I don't pause to think of it as being a special day at all. However, I am still constantly bombarded with reminders of what the day means, and so I am still irritated by it. That state of Nirvana where I really do not care is still a few years away, and so in the meantime I give you:

The Top Ten Most Irritating Aspects of St. Valentine's Day.

10.


People who shorten it to V-Day.

Australians and Singaporeans have one thing in common in the fact that they try and shorten every word possible until no one really understand it anymore. While the Aussies prefer actual shortening (McDonalds to Maccas, Relatives to Rellies), Singaporeans have a love affair with the acronym.

Not content with merely shortening a word, we have to compress it to a single alphabet. We use things like MRT, ATM, ERP, ERS and CPF everyday, but there's a pretty good chance that we don't know the exact meaning of at least one of those terms. And so naturally, the word "Valentine" (which is beyond the linguistic capabilities of most Singaporeans) gets shortened to "V".

This extends to "Birthday" as well. It becomes B'day which sounds suspiciously like "bidet" (it's French so it's pronounced be-DAY) which, for your information is an old fashioned sink of sorts made specifically for the washing of the genitals and anus. Then again a bidet would make most people happy. The only day worthy of such shortening is D-Day, and unless you intend on dying in a blaze of Nazi gunfire on a beach in Normandy, I suggest you get your act together and speak in a real language.

9.

There's nothing but crap on TV

In an effort to gain your viewership on this special day, many TV stations take the liberty of pre-empting their usual programming. This essentially means that anything worth watching is instead replaced by a barrage of bullshit. How can the program directors sleep at night, knowing that they have sacrificed everything they stood for to make a quick buck from advertising revenue. When I turn my TV to Star World at 6pm on a weekday, there better damn well be The Simpsons on.

8.


Various forms of media attempting to belittle singlehood.

There's nothing wrong with being single, and most single people know that, but everytime this day comes around, people begin to question the state of their lives. When they see all the love and romance advertised, and realize they can't participate in it, they lose a little faith in themselves. Most will get over it easily, but what about those who have recently lost a spouse, or are going through a divorce? How can you extol the values intended to be conveyed by Valentine's Day to someone who is grieving his or her recent fall from that state of Grace? Very nice you sons and daughters of bitches.

7.

Why don't we get a holiday?

Most people already hold this day in higher regard than other special days which feature God or Independence. If February the 14th were declared a national holiday, I would leap immediately to the defence of its celebration. Not only that, I'd go out on the street and kiss everyone I see, just to show them I love love. Although this will lead to me being thrown in jail for molestation and an outrage of modesty, I'm sure my jail time would be less than a year, and I'd be able to enjoy the next Valentine's Day holiday.

6.



Tyrants who exploit the day for profit.

Those are dollar signs on my eyes by the way. I don't really need to say too much about this. You all know it well. A rose today will cost 5 times as much as it will tomorrow. The poetic/natural justice in this is that if the only way you can express affection is with a flower, then like the rose, your relationship will wither and die. Or at least dry up, shrink and be hung upside down in the kitchen.

5.


People who go on and on about how much they like Valentine's Day.

"It's the one day a year reserved for love! You have to love it! Love is in the air! Can't you feel it?"

People in relationships (especially new ones), seem to be walking on air. And sadly, their brains become filled with a substance similar in consistency to fecal matter. I don't want to know your plans, I don't want to know what you saw other people doing and I most definitely don't want you to try and make me see the "brighter side" of things.

4.

People who go on and on about how much they hate Valentine's Day.

Honestly, who wants to read another blog with someone ranting and raving on and on about how much they hate this day, how stupid it is and blah blah blah. I know I would hate whoever wrote this post if it weren't written by me. The last thing we need is another hairy-toed ogre angrily lamenting the fact that he's never had a date on Valentine's.



By the way, take note, I'm not actually writing about a hatred for the day, I'm merely highlighting the annoying elements that accompany it. Subtle difference. I'm telling you. If you can't see it, you're not looking hard enough.

3.

People who try to make it a day of love for all.

Never mind that the criteria to celebrate Valentine's Day doesn't apply to you, let's find some excuse to spread the love. Excuse me, but if you didn't notice, the "Love for All" movement died sometime in the early 80s, and even back then they didn't really love each other, they were just on drugs. I'm supposed to feel "loved" because you gave me the same generic cookies that you also gave to your 200 other "best friends"? Nice try, but the cookies were tasteless and I fed them to my dogs. They didn't enjoy it.

2.

Those who will not allow it to go to rest.

"You know ah, on Valentine's day last year, he booked a hotel room for me and filled it with 2351 paper hearts, which was exactly the number of hours we'd been together! And he covered the bed in rose petals."

Any talk of this variety usually receives this response from me:




Enough about the fantastic things that happened. I really would prefer to be run over than to hear another story. And did you even pause to think about the unfortunate cleaner who had to touch up your room? Never mind the used condom and semen stains on the wall. Do you have any understanding regarding the logistics of cleaning a room with a bunch of plant matter and discarded paper lying around in every nook and cranny? It is amazingly inconvenient. Imagine her, standing there and weeping as she sweeps up the leftovers of your love. She just wanted to spend some time with her kids after school. But thanks to you, by the time she gets home, they'll already be asleep.

1.

Nobody knows what it means.

The 14th of February began to be celebrated as the Catholic Church's feast day for Saint Valentine. It's not so simple unfortunately. There are two Saint Valentines related to the celebration of love. One from Rome and another from Terni. I personally feel that it was the one from Rome, because I have no idea where Terni is.

Little is known of his life apart from the fact that he faced death by beating and beheading in 269 AD. He was a priest, so the very idea of him inspiring romance is somewhat warped. His only involvement with a female (which is probably apocryphal anyway), was when he helped the daughter of his jailer regain her sight.

The tying together of Valentine, and love is purely coincidental. It just so happened that in ancient Rome, birds tended to choose their mates around the time of his feast day. Chaucer wrote of it: "For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese [choose] his make [mate]". The rest is history.

-

So it comes and goes for another year. It's anybody's guess as to why we still choose to honour a priest who died two thousand years ago by giving our loved ones overpriced chocolates. There is some consolation though. In ancient Rome, there were eleven Saint Valentines whose lives were honoured each year, effectively resulting in ELEVEN Valentine's Days. That today we only have one is proof that we indeed have a kind and merciful God.

Kurt

Triteness

Whenever we watch a film with a happy ending, we secretly hope that somehow our life will emulate it. That one day we're going to be the one to score the winning goal in the final minute of injury time against a team with a conveniently placed bastard of a villain who may or may not have killed your parents. That one day the good-looking guy is going to realise that his good-looking girlfriend is a hooker, and will express his love to you, the ugly chicken. That somehow our families will be obnoxious and irritating in a way that is still somewhat humorous and sees you holding hands and walking off into the sunset as the credits come out.

It's alright to have fantasies. Every girl still waits for her Prince Charming (which can be dangerous if he arrives after her marriage). Every guy thinks he's a racing driver once he hits the ECP. It's alright to wish for something outrageous, as long as you recognize the fact that it isn't going to happen. What's not alright is when you expect your life to proceed like a screenplay.

In small doses it can be dealt with. For example, I once went out with a lass who watched one too many romantic comedies and demanded that our "dates" involved one of three scenarios commonly scene in any film with an element of romance.

• We have a meal (which I pay for of course).


• We watch a movie (which is always just terrible).


• We go to a club (on a Wednesday of course when she has to spend no money on herself)

No such thing as a friendly frolic in an arcade. And my suggestions on driving to the darkest and most isolated park available are usually only accepted after I've spent more money than I would have expended on a Thai prostitute in Geylang.


However, sometimes it gets to a point of no return. Where you're expected to be a character in her well-oiled plans.

You have to say the right things, usually what normal human beings wouldn't say in real life. You need to call her five minutes after a date to say "I miss you already" and you have to constantly re-iterate things like "I'm so glad I found you".

I seem to be writing with a bias towards romantic themed films, but of course, that's where all the cheese comes from. With a few exceptions, all the worst on screen dialogue has been between a man and a woman with an element of 'love' involved. It's usually in a dramatic place too, something to the extent of a guy sprinting through the pouring rain (which conveniently appeared) to intercept the love of his life at the airport. I don't know when sweat and rain became associated with romance. But, for the sake of neutrality, and to make it slightly more interesting, I'll look at all genres.

The ultimate low is when you start vomiting out actual lines from movies in an effort to express yourself. These lines may have had some, or at least a little meaning when they were first uttered on screen, but a generation of bland, uncreative nitwits have overcooked them all to death. And so, to make you cringe, and to make you be more cautious with your words, I present:


The Top Ten Movie Quotes That Have Lost All Meaning Because Of Overuse


10.










"My momma always said, Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get."
- Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump.


This is one of the greatest films of our generation. The concept of a mildly intellectually handicapped man having a bunch of brushes with pivotal history has proved to be endearing beyond most things. Unfortunately, because of its likeability and how far it's reached, it has been hijacked by many (Think "Run Forrest, Run!). The "chocolates" quote hasn't been heard for a while, but it emerges every now and then when someone decides to watch the film for the fifteenth time. Fortunately, there are many quotes which remain uncorrupted.
"Yes sir, it hit me directly in the butt-tocks." (Describing his bullet wound)
I put it at number ten because Forrest Gump shall not be ranked below anything in a list like this.


9.
















"I'm the king of the world!"
Leonardo di Caprio, Titanic.

This is a really classic one. Though its cheese factor is up there with the worst of them, this comes it at number nine because it's almost a universal quote. Everyone I know has, at one time or another, been at the front of a ship, or at least been overlooking a view from a high-up place. And almost all have yelled this at the top of their voice. Many also have photographic evidence of their arms outstretched like Kate Winslet's. No doubt after having said "Jack, I'm flying Jack." despite the absence of the presence of someone with that name. Personally, I prefer, "Look, dolphins!"

8.









"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Billy Crystal, When Harry Met Sally.

This is the only romantic comedy I have ever enjoyed (Except City of Angels, especially the part where Meg Ryan dies, and the part where Nicholas Cage somehow manages to forget all his anguish by jumping around in the sea). Perhaps it's because it's pretty much the original template for the genre. Every other attempted one since has been shabbily constructed around the skeleton of this film. And also, it made men everywhere realise how convincingly a woman could fake an orgasm (I'll have what she's having). This quote is not here because it's untrue and lame. It's here because it's message is so well-known, and so well accepted as truth, that saying it is like a woman giving birth to a giant penis and the doctor still exclaims, "It's a boy!"
It no longer needs to be said. We know.


7.















"You can't handle the truth!"
Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men.


Many people have used this quote on me even when I didn't explicitly ask for anything involving a "truth". I have used it myself though, in response to my first wife asking me about a suspected affair. Obviously it wasn't too successful, considering I have to address her as "first" wife. Jack Nicholson is a classy guy, and the only person I respect who dates people who could be younger than his children (Except Woody Allen, but his quotes are too good).

6.









"Tonight we dine in Hell."
Gerard Butler, 300.


Personally, I died before the end of this film. Watching it on the flight between Singapore and Melbourne, I fell asleep after half an hour. It seemed like the shortest flight I'd ever taken, which is maybe the only thing I got out of 300. This, for a while, was the quote of choice for gym-frequenting testosterone junkies.
Apparently muscle tissue builds 40% faster if inbetween each
repetition of weights you cry, "SPARTAAAA!!!"


5.








"I like you very much… Just the way you are."
Colin Firth, Bridget Jones's Diary.


This was a valiant attempt to break with some of the conventions of romantic dialogue and take a minimalist approach to creating the climactic crossover into a long-term committed relationship. Understood any of that? Neither did I. This is only here because I didn't like the film (Didn't watch it, but I'll be damned if there was a possibility of me liking it).


4.









"I'm not here to tell you I can't live without you. I can. I just don't want to."
Jennifer Aniston, Rumour Has It.


I witnessed this jaw-dropping piece of dialogue whilst having a beer at a pub in Serangoon Gardens. The football wasn't on yet, and the harlot I was supposed to meet that night was fashionably late. This is especially bad because there wasn't really any similar conversation leading up to it. It came out of nowhere like a lightning strike to the scrotum. One of those lines where, after hearing the first part, you know exactly what she's going to say at the end.


3.













"You... Complete me."
Tom Cruise, Jerry Maguire.


Oh boy, do I really need to say anything more about this. Ladies, can you really avoid laughing when a guy looks into your eyes and says this? By all measures, it is not possible that this can have any meaning, but it remains in such wide use. The only person who should legally be allowed to say this is Andrea De Cruz, for without her husband Pierre Png, she would not have a liver. Now he honestly "completes" her. Got to respect that.




2.










"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
Julia Roberts, Notting Hill.


First of all, you're not "just a girl". You make enough money per picture to buy and sell my family, and employ me as a footstool. You also have an impressively large mouth, and wouldn't think twice about going on a date with someone's husband. What business do you have with a baffled, stuttering goofball who owns a bookshop. The agonizing element of this quote is its sheer lack of believability. And you're "just" asking me to love you? I don't think that is a "just" sort of thing. Maybe "I'll just have a cup of coffee" or "Just give it to me later". You don't say "I just want you to commit the rest of your life to me in a legally-binding contract. Nothing fancy."


1.















"You had me at 'Hello'."
Renee Zellweger, Jerry Maguire.


There could only ever be one number one, and this is it for quite a few reasons. It is really the best example of today's list's category. I've deviated quite a bit from what I set out to do and so at least this sort of ties things together, and maybe you'll forget everything else I've written. This line was really good when it was first spoken. A rare, almost original quotation on love. Unfortunately many people saw this originality as a license for them to try and use it on every person they get interested in. Maguire premiered 12 years ago, but some things die hard. Most kids who use this today have no idea where the line came from. And in truth, how can you possibly "have someone at 'hello'"? If this were possible, then from this day forth, my opening line to every female I meet will be: "Hello, that dress would look really nice on my bedroom floor."


-


Movies are meant to be enjoyed as fiction. Don't confuse fantasy with reality. It'll prevent a lot of embarrassment and disappointment. And you'll have a lot less to cringe about when you reflect on your life in fifty years time.


Kurt

Pinkerton's

I was at the Police concert a couple of nights back and I witnessed something not heard of in quite a long time. Every Asian girl, well almost anyway, had with her a Caucasian partner. Now, I'm sure we're all past the ignorant stage of using the S-word (SPG), oh dear, I've said it, might as well carry on, but the culture of the SPG is very much alive and well.

I recently received hits from Iceland, so I think I should offer the benefit of an explanation. SPG in colloquial Singaporean English is an acronym of the term "Sarong Party Girl". It is a term descended from the colonial past of this country and refers to local women who attended social events (or were invited rather) for the sole purpose of providing company to the homesick and ladyless colonists. Move on from there two hundred years or so, and the practice is still alive and well, albeit in a slightly covert fashion.

It's easy to understand why a local girl would fancy a gentleman from the West. For one, (and this has actually been published in reputable newspapers) they'll have good looking children. This makes perfect sense of course, because the most important aspect of assessing a partner is whether or not his loins will bear delicious fruit. That sounds like an innuendo for fellatio, but such is life.

Secondly, any Asian girl with a White guy can expect two responses from people. First would be mine, the bitter criticism. However, the majority of her "galpals" are likely to envy her. Still with the Post-Colonial hangover that makes them believe certain things that I shan't publish for fear of racist allegations. And as we all know, it's every girl's dream, and sole goal in life to make her friends jealous of her.

Thirdly (and lastly, before I lose count), as I saw from the concert, being attached to an Ang Moh allows you to be brought to expensive events. Of course you would have no idea who the band is, and have never heard any of their songs. But hey, it's two hours of sensual dancing with your drunk boyfriend who is more than likely to drive you home later.

A bit of a disclaimer here. I'll be the first to admit that the likely cause of disdain for SPGs is the fact that it is nearly impossible for an Asian gentleman to get a bit of sweet loving from a White girl. No real explanation needed there, but it just seems to be the natural law of the Earth. The only crossover (and by crossover I mean where both parties want to do each other) is with the SPG and the Caucasian guy.

So, based on my observations, and travels around town, to the budding SPG, I give you this list:

The Top Ten Places For SPGs to Pick-up White Guys in Singapore

10.

East Point Shopping Mall, Simei.

Not many people know this, but East Point is in fact the closest mall to Changi Naval Base.

So what? You might ask. So, everytime an American aircraft carrier steams into town, it brings with it 6000 Sailors who have been starved of good food, and starved of lovin' for just a bit too long. With a Burger King at East Point, they will at least have their hunger for food satiated. By making yourself available there, you can help satify their other hunger as well. Located close to all cheap forms of public transport, this is excellent for love on a budget (and in an elevator).

9.

The National University of Singapore.

This one might come as a surprise and I'm sure you're thinking "Why Kurt, NUS is where all the hallowed halls of learning are! This is where the brightest of our generation come from. Surely you're not suggesting out finest women are harlots!"

Piss off.

The beauty of this place is that many foreign students come here on semester long alcohol-fueled binges loosely disguised as exchange programs. Holding a name of some repute, NUS has ties to a vast array of schools the world over. Essentially any taste to tickle your fancy. Want a Hungarian boy with a name you can't pronounce, this is your place. Language not important to love? Right here!

And perhaps the best part is that you don't have to be worried if they are married or are attached. What happens in Singapore stays in Singapore. Unless you get pregnant. But he won't invite you home, so technically what happened still stays in Singapore.

8.

The ____ Club

This one comes in at 8 because it's an obvious choice. If you have five figures worth of money that you're itching to spend then why not buy a social club membership? This will be good because you know you're going to meet the rich and sociable. Though it is true that certain clubs like the American or British Club actually require you to be American or British to join, there are plenty like the Hollandse Club that will be happy to admit you for a nominal fee. Even if you don't wear large wooden shoes a Nun's hat and carry two pails of milk with a stick over your back.

7.

Orchard Road. Prefferably closer to Centrepoint.

Home to an International School or two, this is the perfect place for the younger SPGs. All along this street one will find a vast array of mostly American teenagers, trying their very best to show just how cool they are. This is mostly achieved by skateboarding although it'd be clearly easier to walk. Don't worry too much about how to approach them, they are like the Salvation Army: They give everyone a chance.

6.

Botak Jones, Sungei Kadut Eating House.

Make no mistake about it, if Jesus decided to open a chain of Western Food shops in obscure food courts, it would be like Botak Jones. Fantastic food. But anyway, again, not known to many is that there is a large expatriate population working in the shipyards in the Pioneer Sector 2 wasteland. And what could be a bigger turn on than a greased-up, muscle-bound, rugged welder after a hard day's work. If you fail, you can always get a jumbo hot-dog from Botak's anyway. If you know what I'm talking about.

5.

Peninsula Shopping Centre/Plaza

My sources tell me that quite a few Ang Mohs have been spotted in the stairwells here, puffing on a bit of the ol' leafy green. What better time to pick up a person than when they're smacked and open to suggestion. Even if you draw a blank you can still pick up some nifty guitar equipment and get a tattoo or two.

4.

Brewerkz, Clarke Quay.

I love this place. Not where everyone knows your name, but they have the decency to charge you $11 dollars for a jug of beer at lunch time, and allow you in with a t-shirt, shorts and slippers. I enjoy a nice brew and some sporting action on TV, and fortunately for the SPGs, so do the Ang Moh gentlemen. Unfortunately, for many of them, their idea of an exciting sport is usually Cricket or Golf. So before you attempt this field of play, be sure you know how many wickets Anil Kumble took at the Boxing Day test at the MCG, or at least Tiger's winning margin at the 2000 United States Open.

3.

Orchard Towers

Ah, the legend. There is nothing quite like it in this world. An entire shopping centre of drudgery and debauchary and other words that start with D that I can't really think of right now. So much has been written about this place and the shennanigans within. But be warned, this one requires much preparation too. At least a couple on months in the gym, a healthy dose of testosterone and an Adam's apple implant. The gents here aren't looking for ladies, they're looking for chicks with them sticks.

2.

Changi Airport MRT Station

I'm sure we're all familiar with the disorientation of arriving in a new country and being faced with the demanding task of figuring out their transport system. Imagine a handsome young Frenchman, beret on, with a baguette tucked under one arm. And imagine him hopelessly trying to ask the JC students studying at Burger King for directions. Step up to the plate in your tiny black dress, offer him a helping hand, and he'll be more than happy to offer his centre leg in return. Somehow I think he would give his wang a name like Pascal. Now I understand why many people say Singaporeans are friendly and helpful. "Can I help you" takes on a whole deeper meaning. The airport bookshop has a wide variety of language dictionaries to boost your linguistic capabilities.

1.

The Terry Fox Run, Sentosa

Terry Fox was a Canadian athelete. In the early 80s, he was diagnosed with a form a cancer that required the amputation of his right leg. He ran out the last days of his life on a "Marathon of Hope". Raising money for cancer research. Today, nearly 30 years after his death, the annual run is still one of the biggest fundraisers for cancer related charities. I myself attended this event a few times.

To someone who didn't know better, by looking at the people who attend the run, he would think that Singapore has a 50-60% Caucasian population. Everyone comes out in force on this day once a year. From school kids, to the businessmen, to the retiress and everything inbetween. For some reason, many of the young Singaporeans there are competitive school runners, who proudly display their institution's atheletic attire. They see this as a competition, and so to the SPG, there's very little threat.

Take your pick. Muscle your way to the front then have a slow walk so that a large amount of people can pass you by. At the end of it, you and your pick would both be drenched in sweat, with racing heartrates, which satisfies 33% of the criteria to be having sex. Makes it all so easy.

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Of course this is by no means an exhaustive list, but if you're tired of the uncertainty of the clubbing game, then these are the places for you. Take a trip away from the beaten path, and you'll be surprised with the results. And who knows, before you know it, you could be Mrs. Stevenson. Living in a Victorian bungalow at Adam Road with two children whose cheeks you want to pinch till first blood. You'll have a fancy car, complete with sleeves, gloves and a brim hat, lest you lose your fairness of complexion. Your friends will feel horrible everytime you invite them over for food because their lives would be shit compared to yours. All of your wildest dreams would finally have come true.

Kurt

Reinvention


I refuse to believe that this blog has been up for five years. It reflects that a quarter of my life has gone by "like THAT". And apart from that, after all this time, I'm still not rich and famous. Perhaps all the recipes for success have been too different from mine.

One way to have gone about it would have been to complain about everything in an extremely arrogant and annoying way. That would have gotten me my own (unwatchable) television show, free plastic surgery on my nose and a trophy Caucasian partner.

Another way would have been to post "artistic" nude photographs of myself, or someone who I claim to be me. That would at least have seen me receiving my own weekly column in a newspaper. My opinions would be featured regarding important issues as if I knew anything, and my words were actually worth a damn.

Yet another approach would involve posting amazingly unfunny voice clips playing on racial stereotypes. All this of course done with an assembly of the most nauseating voice acting talents the world has ever known. This would have seen my words played out daily through handphones by acne-riddled college students, inbetween their discussions of who had more A's at their 'O' Levels.

But no, I tried to stick to my own ideas. I told stories of the things I'd seen. I wrote insightful commentaries on the things we don't notice in everyday life. I even went out with three girls for the sole (yes one and only) purpose of conducting a study to prove that all relationships can be assessed and quantified like scientific experiments. I am of course talking absolute cock, but my point is, I'm just going to take an easy way out and post top-ten lists.



Where better to start than with the legendary Chuck Norris.




Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris
(March 10th, 1940 - Whenever he's seen enough slaughter [never])
Photo courtesy of AllPosters.com








Many of you would be familiar with the branch of humour regarding Chuck Norris. The aptly named Chuck Norris Facts. The concept behind these facts is that Mr. Norris is an infallible, invincible human being. The facts merely describe the extent to which this is true. Some of my all time favourites include:

• Chuck Norris has no chin beneath his beard; Only another fist.
• When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he is not pushing himself off the ground. He is pushing the Earth down under him.
  
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his parents did.


• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


• Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.


• Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  
• Chuck Norris can drown a fish.


• Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
• Chuck Norris does not use SpellCheck. If he makes an error, Oxford changes the spelling of the word.
• When Chuck Norris jumps into the sea he does not get wet; The water gets Norrised

Although this is completely unoriginal and I'm essentially copying and pasting the comic genius of many annonymous people, I'm only doing my part to spread the word of Chuck. I think the philosophy is best stated by the man himself. On the occasion of his 15th succesive Ms. Universe win he said, "With this title, I may someday be compelled to give the World peace." With a laugh he went on, "Just Kidding." And leapt feet first into the crowd. We now know this as the Tiananmen Square incident.

So here we are, in my opinion:

The Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts


10.
















Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.





9.




Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a Zebra.





8.







Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.





7.





Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from the 31st of March to the 2nd of April because nobody fools Chuck Norris.






6.







If you see Chuck Norris having sex with a man, it's not because he's gay. It's because he's run out of women.




5.






When the time comes for tax collection, Chuck Norris sends the authorites a photograph of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay tax.





4.








Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


3.



Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women. Chuck Norris calls this a "slow tuesday".




2.





Chuck Norris once crashed a party where the host politely asked him to leave. There were no survivors.



1.





Jesus may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.


And there you have it, ten of the finest moments of comedy in recent memory. Although this might have come two years too late to be funny, anyone who knows Chuck, or enjoys a bit of absurd humour will like this. And if you don't know Chuck, then you will probably be dead by the time you reach the end of this sentence.

With thanks to Horton Doors, Grandchildren on flickr, Clock-Desktop and basically every other photo's copyright holder. Cheers.

For more on Chuck (including these facts which I have so expertly ripped-off) go to http://4q.cc

May we meet again before one of us offends Chuck Norris.

Kurt